Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
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The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Seems legit
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.