Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.