If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
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You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
only 11 steps left
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.