H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
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Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Oh deer
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
my dad has had enough
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.