Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
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Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs