The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
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Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave