No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
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Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending