One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
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me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Oh yeah that’s it
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad