I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
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Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?