My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
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Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him