Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
You Might Also Like
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
They did not think through this water fountain
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
If you had more money you’d be happier.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man