Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
You Might Also Like
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*