Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
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What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.