Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
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Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks