INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
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Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
*watches the world burn*
See..?
.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I don’t get marriage
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Solving a traffic jam
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?