Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
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*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
December birthdays be like…
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
jesus, what did this guy do
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.