I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
You Might Also Like
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
not to brag, but mine was free
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.