I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.