Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
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tell em, edith-anne
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.