I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
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[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones