older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
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Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.