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My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I have two kinds of followers
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.