If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.