[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
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In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!