peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
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the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants