Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
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Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome