JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
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Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*