having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU