“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
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Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
There’s never enough good news
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
don’t be scared
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*