My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
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The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard