[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
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Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.