[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
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How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
What the hell happened in there??