Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
You Might Also Like
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.