I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
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So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Goodnight 🐶
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking