So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
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I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.