The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
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“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.