Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
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When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla