5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
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[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
White parent Vs Arab parents
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Hey! This isn’t my car!
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”