Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
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If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Put my back out twerking in the library again
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
based al yankovic
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Namaste
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.