Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
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Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.