My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
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911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
same vibe as tangled headphones
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
They must have gotten it to go.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u