Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
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I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-