COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
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Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.