I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
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‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Based Erika
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.