How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
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gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan