ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
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Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.