Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
My birthstone is kidney
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I have a place for everything. The floor.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
philosophical skeletons be like
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?