Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
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Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables