My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
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I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Nomnomnomnom
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
my mom making me talk to relatives
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.