[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
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CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Choose your fighter
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people